my body wouldn’t let me go on a hike today. i pushed it too far when painting my bedroom and now my disability refuses to let me function like a normal human being. the only choice i have is to submit to its needs and ride it out.

i laid on my porch instead. i need time outside or i don’t feel like myself. moments like today make me grateful i’ve been feeding the birds here for so long; it’s like they bring news from the trails to me when they stop at the porch to eat. a connection to the worlds i can’t reach. i value their presence as much as they value the endless seed. 

they’re fearless at this point, too. they play with the things i leave on the porch and look me right in the eyes before tending to their feast. they’ll stop to sing at the feeders, totally unphased at my dog sitting below them like a disney princess. i know the birds aren’t the only visitors to my porch. deer, squirrels, owls, bunnies, orb weavers, snakes, bears, cats, voles, one year there was even a rat. i’ve had several friends suggest i get a trail cam to see what goes on here when i’m not looking, but i feel like i’m probably better off not knowing. i’m certain my house is a frequently traveled hotspot and i don’t need to develop any more anxiety after that time a starving bear tried to break down my back door. i still have trouble sleeping because of that. 

i’m glad they all feel safe here, though. especially the deer. two years ago, a mama even had her baby in the rhododendron bushes by my greenhouse. it felt like the ultimate honor. they still visit a lot. i would much rather them be tucked away with me than near the busy roads or feral dogs or people who shoot things for fun.