i had my first full, productive workday in over a month. the kind where i work for 8 hours non-stop, fluttering from task to task like a bee collecting pollen. there was no hesitation, no doubting myself, no overthinking. it all flowed effortlessly like it was exactly what i was supposed to be doing.

i think it’s because i have been posting my journal entries on the internet. i do best with discipline and clear expectations – it builds a momentum and keeps me steady. my brain falls into work-mode when creating a post and it has been asking to keep going. maybe the momentum of surrendering to visibility is building. i feel looser, malleable, ready to be a conduit for my surroundings. i am already caring less about how i am perceived and caring more about the feelings i have while doing things.

putting more of myself out there also has me wanting to receive more. i have been hesitating about collecting the rose hips by ursa’s field because i didn’t want to deplete the already-suffering environment in any way. but now i want to harvest them, i want to consume them and let the land’s influence continue to spread through me like a bird scattering seeds. i wonder if this feeling will last with this practice or if it is a momentary high. 

anyways, there are still beggarticks on my boots. i pick a new one off every time i put them on.